Looking for backstory feedback. Any thoughts or constructive feedback appreciated... For those who haven''t seen my incessant design posts, the game is an SF RPG where you''re the captain of a single ship. The player is presented with a brief mood setting backstory and randomly generated personal history that relates to it. Here''s my first crack at just the backstory. (The title''s just for classification, it won''t be shown). I''ll post each in a reply for ease. (I''m intentionally not explaining a lot about each just to see if I can the point across to you w/o a lot of explanation) -------------------- Just waiting for the mothership...

Xinzau: Sinister Conquerers

===TRANSMISSION COMMENCES===

--Directive Command recieved--
Superliminal aperature operational.

Threat assessment has detected sentient infestation in surrounding systems.

Directive:

Analyze.

Neutralize.

State:

Autonomy granted.

--Advice from Core--
Interface with surrounding cultures.

Learn.

Grow.

Acquire resources.

Acquire data.

Acquire technology.

Eliminate threats to Core with extreme prejudice.

===TRANSMISSION TERMINATES===


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Just waiting for the mothership...

Edited by - Wavinator on January 5, 2001 5:20:42 PM

Shay Saun: Security First

The warm wash of the electron stream awakens you. A moment of terror. Disconnect. Falling. Memory is breath, real and alive, and the once was is as real as the now.

All at once...

You see your people burn.

You hear your people burn.

You feel your people burn.

The agony guts you, and swallows your soul.

Then. The peace and light of the Battle Church. Arms and armor, all around. High walls. Safety for the little ones. As you choke back your tears the One Truth becomes your spine. It sustains you, loves you, holds you strong:

You are Shay Saun. You are Defense. You are Protection. You are Sword and Shield against the pain eaters and demons and devourers of children.

Already the Maw is bright in the night sky above Mausoleum World. From Temple, you can see it when you pray. It is a wound in Heaven's heart.

Every Shay Saun knows what this means. It is beginning again. They will come for you. They will come for all of you.

But your atomics have been blessed. Your armor is a second skin. The Sacred Vow is already upon your lips.

"Never Again," you hear yourself whisper. "Never Again."

This time, it will be different. You have been fated to find The Fear. You will use your annointed ship to chart the cosmos, to divine its secrets, to gain its advantage.

As you climb into your craft, you are certain of only one thing:

You will find The Fear.

You will go into the Maw, the place of terror and storms.

And when you find the Fear, you will kill it.

For nothing else can be true.



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Just waiting for the mothership...


Edited by - Wavinator on January 5, 2001 5:22:14 PM

Homeworlders: Exploration Incorported

-SLVN Transmission-
CommTrans zA7H250^140 - Star City: StelEx Orbital HQ
AuthHeader: 77809345834.1932.730JHI43.6b (Terminal) #H48
ClearCode: # FRACTICALLY ENCRYPTED #


-Welcome to Stellar Exploration Incorporated!-

Captain,

It is our pleasure to welcome you to StelEx, Home's most successful and dynamic exploration hypercombine. For the past 100 cycles, StelEx has been the fastest growing and most successful scout / mining / defense / research / intelligence firm in the system. We were the first to discover the Hyperspace Node in the outter comet cloud, and the first to send scouts into the Great Beyond.

We expect your contract with us will be mutually profitable and rewarding. StelEx offers a generous compensation package, including discovery bonuses for technology and data on surrounding cultures. Our upgrade facilities are top rate, and we have first access to some of the finest talent the Academy has to offer.

As all Homeworlders know, the Great Beyond offers some of the most significant opportunities of our age. There are countless worlds to explore, and untold rewards to reap. With the Trade Wars ended, we are certain that competent Captains like you will help StelEx usher in a new age of peace and prosperity for all of the Home System.

Our exclusive licensing deal with Fleet has provided us with information that will undoubtedly be of a competitive advantage. We advise you to contact surrounding cultures, trade with them, learn as much about them as possible, and confer with StelEx representatives regularly. As the old adage goes, information is power, and power is profit.

One final word of caution: We highly recommend that you limit dealings with the so-called Independent Trade Union. While by government law you are automatically under Open Contract, we are only able to extend offers of information, services, and opportunities to non-ITU members. As a licensed Captain you are, of course, free to do business with whomever you chose, but we are sure you will find StelEx has a reputation for reliability and quality far above any of our competition.

Good luck, and good profit!

Sincerely,

Jhon Val Landers
CEO
Stellar Exploration, Incorporated


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Just waiting for the mothership...

Edited by - Wavinator on January 5, 2001 5:23:08 PM

Okay. Now nothing else is true. And Shay Saun is One, instead of Many.

Three races. Two contending for existence, the third oblivious to the dangers before it.

I see. I like. I wish you'd edit on your computer and not repeatedly on the forum.

---

Now for something constructive.

The broken format of #1 is good. Leave it like that. Maybe change:

informs of -> has identified
interact with -> interface with
Destroy all threats to Core without reservation -> Eliminate threats to Core with extreme prejudice

#2 I envisage using thee's and thou's and being of a religious order.

... the Maw, into the ... -> ... the Maw, the place ...
Nothing else... -> For nothing else can be true.

#3 should be slighlty more informal, light-hearted.

We wish you good luck, and good profit -> Good luck, and good profit

Edited by - morfe on January 4, 2001 8:16:49 AM

The Motherbrood: Maternal Predators

You have been birthed in Joy, sweet Consort, a child of desire and longing.

The Universe has once again chosen to share itself with us, providing a Soft Point that we may embrace all.

Yet we are incomplete. Empty. Without.

We hunger for the Beloved.

Somewhere they wait for us, asleep in the Universe''s arms. They are lost in the imperfection of the Others, lost amid impotent ignorance and savagery.

Find them for us, quickly. Exchange whatever trinkets and baubles you need to with the Others, for they are weak and depend on such things. Map the Garden of Stars, and tease from the Universe every secret it offers. Teach the Others of our way, if necessary, for unenlightened they are insignificant.

But beyond all, find the Beloved. Tell us where they are, so that we might once again hold them. And go carefully, for this time our gift to them is surprise.

We leave you now, to dream of the Beloved and our unity, when one day we might once again drink deeply of their tears and embrace them in white fire. Ecstacy, it is.

Go now. Hurry.

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Just waiting for the mothership...

quote:
I see. I like. I wish you''d edit on your computer and not repeatedly on the forum.

Sorry, I''m so much of a friggin'' #*^%*! nit-picker. I can''t stand to post with mispelled words & wrong sentences. Bad habit, I''ll try to stop.

quote:
Now for something constructive.

Thx! I like them all!!!



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Just waiting for the mothership...

Sorry for the over simplifications, but these are the images I get:

#1: Replicators (Stargate SG-1) or Borg

#2: Protoss

#3: Terran

#4: Honoured Matres (Dune series)


"NPCs will be inherited from the basic Entity class. They will be fully independent, and carry out their own lives oblivious to the world around them ... that is, until you set them on fire ..."
"When you are willing to do that which others are ashamed to do, therein lies an advantage."

quote: Original post by morfe

Sorry for the over simplifications, but these are the images I get:

Is this bad?

quote:
#1: Replicators (Stargate SG-1) or Borg

Borg. Although Borg that are a bit more subtle about it (trading and mapping until they find enough to take over)

quote:
#2: Protoss

The Shay Saun are supposed to be "Wounded Nobility," which I guess the Protoss are like after the destruction of Aiur. The difference here, though, is acute post-traumatic stress disorder that''s reinforced by ritual reinitialization of a racial memory. Except for those that seek the Fear (you as Priest Captain, giving you an excuse to travel) no Shay Saun leave their system, and almost every joule of energy is devoted to defense.

(I''m going to post a seperate bio & ask for detail help, btw, on each)

quote:
#3: Terran

Terran + Ferengi. I''m channeling my hatred for megacorps and love of indies in this one. Hypercombines == megacorps. (The ITU is good, but they''re the underdogs)

quote:
#4: Honoured Matres (Dune series)

Hmmmm... going more for Honored Matres + Serial Killers, if you will. Alan Dean Foster wrote a passage about an Alien dreaming of murdering humans in Aliens, and that''s my inspiration. Take the language of butchery and annihilation and couch it in sweetness and light. (Or that''s what I''m trying to do, anyway).

The Motherbrood share a deeply unpleasant relationship with the Shay Saun, by the way.


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Just waiting for the mothership...

No, it''s not bad. Just a warning that I''m cutting corners.

#2 also sound similar to the Shaolin monks...

I thought the Honored Matres WERE serial killers

Your mention of the Alien novels makes me rethink #3 along the lines of the Company.

Sorry it''s a bit garbled... the little sylph sitting on my keyboard is very distracting...


"NPCs will be inherited from the basic Entity class. They will be fully independent, and carry out their own lives oblivious to the world around them ... that is, until you set them on fire ..."
"When you are willing to do that which others are ashamed to do, therein lies an advantage."