So, uh, yeah... looks like it's a hardware thing. Good call, LRiotto, your words were wise. Now if I can just find the receipt for this thing so I can take it back to Fry's, grab somebody by the neck, and cram this thing down their throat... I mean, politely ask for an exchange in a well-behaved manner, as is proper in civilized society.

On the one hand, I'm pissed because I have to get a new card. But on the other, I'm overjoyed that it was not a problem with my code, but rather one that could be solved simply by throwing money at it.